29th February

 In Miscarriage

Dearest Dominic, Elvis & Louis,

I am writing this letter on the day when Dominic should have been born, 29th February. I hope that all of you are doing well.

Mummy still miss all of you dearly, and I still cry even though it all happened 9 years ago. Maybe Mummy is weak but I still love you all too much that I can’t forget you. I still can’t stop talking about you as if you were a part of me. I still remember all the strong kicks that all of you had that constantly kept me awake at night. I miss feeling you and being around you all the time. Daddy and I couldn’t wait to meet you then but we never expected for it would turn out the way it did.

I just want to let you know that we love you so much. That Daddy and I try to visit you whenever we can. That we have to put the toys out for you to play with on your niche instead.
Yesterday, someone came knocking at our door and your brother, Titus, ran to it. The lady asked if he is my only son, and my heart skipped a beat as I could predict what the next question would be. Luckily, the lady left the question as that because what am I supposed to say? I am afraid of my answer. Acknowledging it will only make it seem real, and I can’t handle that. Every now and then, as moments pass in life, I ask myself what would have been different if you were here with us. How would life have been? And when can I be with you forever again? I try every single day to live my life as best as I can because I do not want to let you down.

I still remember seeing you for the first time when you were born. The hospital staff gave us some time together but it was too sudden that Daddy and I did not know what to do with you. Daddy and I laid with you in bed, and put you in our arms. We tried so hard not to cry because you were finally here with us. But seeing your delicate little body lay there knowing that you were going to leave us soon was just too much. We just wished that we could have spent more time with you.

Dominic, you were gasping for air when you came out. The doctor tried so hard to resuscitate you but he couldn’t. When he passed you back to me, I knew the worst had happened.

Elvis and Louis, we were very cautious when we had you because we did not want the same thing to happen again. But we still lost you both. We tried to save you, Louis. You were healthier because you were behind Elvis. But the fact that both of you came too early was something no one can do anything to it. I still don’t know what I did wrong and it still haunts me till this day. I feel so helpless and guilty.

Everything reminds me constantly of you, and I can never forget you. I have learnt to make peace with it but I still miss you when I am alone. No matter how long ago it was, I will always be grieving for you.

Things have changed a lot since I lost you, like how I live my life now. I no longer care about trivial conversations. I try to make the most of my time now and cherish those around me. So thank you for that, I try to set aside time for your brother too, and do the things that he likes to do. Seeing him play alone everyday hurts me, and I wish that you were all here with him.

He is still too young to understand that he has 3 older brothers guarding him from heaven, but when he is old enough, I will tell him all about you. I don’t know how he will react to it but I hope that by the time it comes, I’ll be ready for it. I’m looking forward to able to talk about you with your brother.

Loving you always,
Mummy

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